Not too long ago Thunder's whelpday passed and I thought it would be nice to call in a favor from a friend to help me be able to get a commission done for him. And well to make a long story short this is what came out. Hope the insert doesn't suck this time.

I'm going to take this opportunity to pledge to not only the fallen but to myself to make a more genuine and consitant effort in helping my brethren. In this way I will honor those lives that have been taken pre-maturely and ensure that their death has purpose and integrity. I'm not going to let emotional adversity hinder me. It is tough, very tough, but this is my promise and I intend to keep it whether big or small I will always be doing something from here on out. I admire my friend Amaroq for his activism with wolves in his own country and Steele for his contributions here in my native land. I want my friends to look at me think similar thoughts...characterize me with being loving and active and knowledgeable with my kin. Before I can expect them to do that I need to give myself reason to feel that waya nd this is the first step. To help catalyze these desires I'll make sure I keep in touch with this admirer of mine.

 

So to you my fallen brothers and sisters, I pray in your name. Most notably to the one I claim to have connections with; Trillian.

 

Love Sumanitu Taka Nagi.

Well I've given this some thought for sometime lately and it's coming as quite a change for me even if it's a small one. Seeing as it's in an area I've felt strongly opposed to before, this is a big step for me. In the past I've been strongly against "dating" if you will. To me that seem so frivilious to play hit and miss with one's heart, to play the game of odds and to 'hook up' withe veryone that comes your waya dn brings yout he slightest smile simply because you don't have that special someone and they don't either. Love is something of a great multitude of magnitudes. One does not need to devoute themselves seemingly entirely to a single person just because the reach a slightly hightened level. The reason why that isn't that great of an idea because you are convincing yourself something si there when it really may not be. That cna lead to some easily avoidable heartache for both partners.

For these kinds of reasons i've always made sure I was very much in love withs omeone before asking them to be my lover.   Even if it means having gaps of loneliness in my life, I'd rather have meaningful milestones than a revolving door of partners. At least even then if I don't find that life long pertner I have good pleasant experiences with those I've been with that will last throughout my life. As opposed to anomosity and and scars because I got involved in a relationship I had no bussiness being in to start with. I've played a very passive role in this regard waiting for sparks to ignite love and romance.

However more often than not the attributes of a pleasant life are made in a balancing act. Simply because of my personality I'll probably always be shifted towards the passive and safe side of the spectrum I'm seeing the need to shift away a bit. I'm starting to wonder if my outlook has let me passed up some good oppritunities. If I'm to close to the end of the spectrum and into the region of extreme passiveness. The most note-worthy case is how I was so passive with my brother. For more time than I can remember he had strong love for me and I was extremely flattered by his sentiments but I didn't want to toy with heart and because I valued him so much I waited to see if I would fall in love with him the way he was with me that way I could know I could treat him the way he needed to be treated. I waited and waited, and nothing came of it, and eventually, I dunno, maybe two years in time I started to come around but by then he had seemingly started to make motions in other directions and by then and now I wonder what would have happened if I would tried it out. I still have feelings for him but am not in the situation to do a whole lot about them, so I have to move forward and try and fix what went wrong.

I still don't think I'm comfortable with testing things with just about anyone who seems 'nice' but there are a couple of people out there that I admire. Perhaps with those that i actually admire but haven't quite fallen in love with would be the level of penetration in my heart that I can chance things with. I've gone out and told some of those that might feelings exist and the doors is cracked. Nothing has come of it just yet, but at least now the ball isn't in my court to hold onto forever. so we'll see what happens from ehre.

Well i ended up going to Rainfurrest yesterday with Wolf J and Dirus. Frankly for the most part the con was boring :B Just as i thought it would be for me. Cons are very visual, and with my poor eyes that doesn't match up very well, but it was cool to just hang out with my friends and talk and that made up for it. i guess when you have friends you like a lot it doesn't matter if the environment you're in sucks or not, you'll find a way to have a good time and I did.

it was on a positive note interesting to see the various fursuits and it made me very jealous...I couldn't see myself paying the kind of dollar I've seen tossed around for a fursuit, but maybe I'll get a tail at some point to wear aroud all the time. just a little display like the necklace i've got on. It's amused me to think about the raised brows that would evoke that I'll never see

Perhaps next time I go i'll be more of an instigator now that I've gotten a sniff of it and know what to expect.

Well, I finally got a chance to get back a hold of my web creations...I would have been really upset if I had lost them for all the work I had put into my site. Thankfully I've been able to back it up and soon as I obtain the skills to run my own little server I'll put my own site back up. Nobody seems to visit it, but it works if nothing else as a calling card...

I'm gonna be backtracking journal entries throughout the night.

I'm starting to get a strange feeling that's hard to explain. I'm not totally sure anyone, aside from maybe other artists, will really understand it. I feel this pent up and restless energy inside me. Very similar to when one gets anxious after a lazy time in confinement. Afterwards they want to get out. Doesn't matter where doesn't matter how, they just want to get up and get out and wonder around and blow off some of that energy until they are physically exhuasted. Well I suppose you can compare that to how I'm feeling but in a more emotional sense.

There is just this inner energy within me that needs to be put to use. It makes it hard to sit still, but not to explore. Instead I feel the need to draw, to write, to sing. simply to take something form inside me and push it out. It doesn't even have to be born from me. I can empathize with an external emotion and claim it as my own to use it as my path in burning this energy. Quite an odd feeling that I've had many times before.

I wonder where it comes from and why it's there, but for now I will simply continue the trend.

For quite some time I've noticed a change inside me. As life has tossed me lemon after lemon I've slid from inner peace to the paranoid end of the spectrum. Not simply failures, but utter disasters. When one feels that they make all the right moves and still fails? It's can be devastating to their psyche and for me it has been. I've become a bit too analytical and it's causing me to vacillate on a lot of decisions including my social behavior.

 

It's about time for me to take steps to recapture my former inner peace. In heart I'm a cautious and systematic person, but that doesn't mean I can't move with confidence. I'll start be working on not letting the thought of “not fitting in” waver me into stone-walling. I can just be Nagi. Some will like Nagi and some won't.

 

Listening to more meaningful music and rekindling meditation will go a long ways in keeping my thoughts inwardly focused. In this way I can introspect better; remind myself of the things that make me proud and correct inner flaws.

Well as it seemed ot be inevitable I reached my limit with Fur Affinity so I'm on the prowl looking for a decent community to take it's place and socialize. So unless I find something more compatible here I am

-unclimatic entrance-

You ever get that feeling like your last shot at something beautiful just slipped away? Kinda have that going on right now…gonna be a tough day. Better luck tomorrow.

I’ve been asked several times why I push on towards the ideals I hold close in my heart. Why do I hold onto things that are seemingly minute? Why do I want to go to Alaska so badly? Why do I dream of forests, wolves, and passion when I know full well that I’m nearly guarnteed a life of urban living lost in the shallow kindness of humanity?

It’s because quite frankly there isn’t a whole lot out of this life I can live for. The things I really want, not the comprimises or things to settled for among humans, but the things I really want are next to impossible, if not futile to chase after. If I had it my way, I’d be running with wolves. No I’m not talking about the fairly tale life dreamed up by children of rainbows and tail wags where nothing ever goes wrong and life is just peachy. I don’t want the dellusion of pure happiness anymore than I want to be in this society of people who are detached from the rest of the universe.  I want to struggle with the pack…I want to be vulnerable to going hungry, getting injuried, and having to fend off rivals. I want the good and the bad, I want the real deal. It’s what my heart desires. Obviously that is not what I have.

 

Though i try and make due with what I have in this life. I try and comprimise and find things to take the place of what I really wish. I may not be able to run through the frigid snow with nothing but my bare hide, but perhpas I can camp out in isolated regions of the world? I may not be able to fight off rivals from my territory and protect my kin, but perhaps I can work alongside other kind-hearted people to swing legislation in the favor of the dying wolf species. Maybe I can find my pack amongst very close friends or in place of a beautiful howling voice I can convey myself in beautiful artwork. Yet even these comprimises do a wonderful job of alluding me. 

 

Life is difficult enough for any person. We all have dreams and we all struggle to attain what we wish for. Our society isn’t structured to fufill dreams it’s designed to perpetuate the cycle that feeds the rich and looks down on the poor as meaningless, therefore no matter who you are you will have your share of problems. Even if you are rich (using rich very loosely) it still takes work, if not and ironically the relinquishment of some the finer intangables of life. Basically life sucks…add on the fact that one desires something in his heart that he simply can not have and tries to settle for comprimises and struggles to even attain that more greatly than others and you might begin to understand how i feel about my life. 

 

Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t believe I have it worst inside nor am I even close to it, but what I have spoken needs to be understood to get to the point and that is even with all my failures…to satisfy my heart…to find contentment amongst the peices I’m given to work with…I still dream. I have confidence in myself and I know in different circumstances or maybe even another world, I would thrive greatly, but I do not have faith in this body nor this society. However, sucess isn’t the only thing someone can live for.  Even if I fail miserably for the rest of my life and never set foot in Alaska, never see a wolf for myself, nver see wolves running in abundance, never land a decent job, my eyes give out on me when I turn 30, and I die alone I will always push towards my dream because they are that important to me. If a capable person can look at me and with my limitations and hurdles and know that I still push on, even I fail, I may inspire. If that inspiration leads a friend of mine to prospure to their own dreams and achieve something great than I can say that I can prideful that.  Just as those pups and bitches who get slain around this country before they can do much in this world, their lives do not fade in vain with waste if they inspire me to push on and in turn I do not fade if I can inspire someone else to do the same. That is why I chase my dreams, and no matter how sad I get or how angry i am, I will not stop chasing.

Well I just finished a private story for a good friend of mine  Therian Wolf So I’m available to start writing again. I perferably would do a “trade” as in me doing a poem or a story in exchange for an illustration. Not a trade to exchange ownership, just a different form of retribution since I’m not comfortable receiving payments for my writings (for a variety of reasons) and it works out as a nice incentive in getting a well put-together piece for you anyways. I can only do one work at a time, so once I have something agreed upon, I’m off the shelf until it’s done. Send me a note or an IM if you’re interested.

It’s hard to look at a gracefully posed wolf without thinking of Spirit. A female I once loved very deeply, and despite the way she treated me, probably still do in some small way. I’m often reminded of a gorgeous picture that was made in her depiction. What I liked most about it was the simplicity in atmosphere.  Not only was the wolf drawn skillfully, but there were no distracting vibrant colors, not flashy hair-dos, just a wolf laying about with her eyes focused on you. The kind of posture you might see in a real wolf. Though it did have a touch of uniquity. Tucked behind the wolf’s ear rested a red feather. I thought it was a nice symbolic touch that helped make her stand out amongst hoarde of others. Though these symbols do me no good anymore.

I only get troublesome thoughts when I think of these things. Since it seems it is not possible for me to have my closure and shrug these nightmare-like memories, I’ve thought about trying to take that symbol and make it my own. To take that red feather that I hoped would be a symbol of our fiery passion and turn it to something more closer to reality; a symbol of change. I think a blue feather to carry about would be much more appropriate for it would be a stark contrast to what exists as the cold blue thoughts in my mind today to the red fiery passion I hoped for in the past, a reminder of the blues she evoked, and a reminder of betrayal and a reason to fight for myself

I find myself wandering around just that much more. Just recently I re-visited an old site I had interest in. Nothing special in the sense of therians, but it had a lot of activism for wolves, therin lied our common grounds.

It had been a little while since I had last posted. There was a member of the forum who I had been interacting with. At first she seemed rather nice and we agreed on a lot of core principles and for the most part what we didn’t agree on we at least respected. Until sex came into play. Like most good Christians, as soon as she heard that I engaged in intamacy with canine companion all hell broke loose. No discussing, no listening, nada. She played by her absolute rule that I was evil and abusive as soon as the implicating words came out and blocked me on AIM. Naturally that was rather returring and I took some time away from the forum. Since I’ve been wandering around so much, reaching out to find like-minded creatures I came back to see how things are going down on the forum. Only to find out that I’ve been blocked. Apparently the insecure girl when crying to the administrator and they agreed it was best for me to not contaminate the site.

I don’t care so much about the uptight woman. If you can’t appreciate me for who I am, then so be it. It just is a bummer to constantly reach out and to continually get turned away by those who can’t open up their minds.

Last night I dreamt that me and my dad got into it quit e a bit...again. It seems like even whe he's not around even afte I've moved on we are sitll fighting. I acutally know what triggered this dream though because yesterday morning I was thinking about moving again and it crossed my mind to call my dad and ask him about co-signing on an apartment. But I started to hink about all the stuff he's done to me that makes me dispize him and I couldn't bring myself to reling on him. I couldn't bring myself to making another tie to  him no matter how small it is, I need to be as rid of him from my life as I can so I opted to not go through with it. And before that I hadnt really thought much him so that's probably why I had this dream.

I didn't dream about anything thing else last night and the way it played out is that Me, My mom, Juliza, and Charles all came to drop me and my sisters off at my Aunt Callie's house in Moreno Valley. We were having a family Reunion and it was the first time I had seen my dad in a while. Everthing was goign somewhat okay. I was actually messin' around with some of the new people I saw and it was actually nice to see GG again. Other than that I stayed my usual resrved self, particulaly with the adults and even more so with my dad...and that kept me out of drama for a while. Idon't remember what caused the first arguement but me and my dad got into it and it really peeved me so I decided to stay even more reserved away from everyone else.

Then later on in the day the whole entire family was playing this game outside. I dont' remember what it was I was taking part in it and then I went inside for a break, I saw something on TV that caught my interest, and sat down for a little bit to see what it was before i went back outside to rejoin everyone. When I got back outside My dad was absoluely pissed with me. He thought I was ditching the family to watch TV and wouldn't stop yelling at me and when I tried to talk to him and let him know I was only sititng there for a moment and he was just jumping all over me for something he only saw brieftly he just got more pissed and thought i was yelling and talking back to him...etc. and before i knew it we w re fighting. That was the last I rememeber of that evening.

Later on that day I ended up going to sleep very far away form everyone else,not that was anything new, but I felt the urge to do it even more so then what I usually do. At some point later on in th night My cousin Marcus decded to come sleep in the living room with me. He didn't really say it, and I'm not sure if he really said anythign at all, but he didn't like what happened to me. Which is kinda ironic because when me and my dad got into a fight in RL he was boasting about how my dad kicked my ass and i deserved it for trying to get rowdy with a real adult.

Anyways, I woke up the next mornig without speaking to anyone and I went straight for the kitchen becuase i knew my mom would come home soon. I guess I was still distracted in my mind about my dad because I saw a jar in the cabinet labelled Play-Doh. And I instantly thought "Mmmm....white choclate" and I opened it up and eat some and guess what? It tasted like shit. Juliza lasughed at me, and I dont blame her i would have laughed at me too. So I cleaned my mouth out And a few minutes later my dad came into the kitchen looking for me.

He had his expected "I'mn sorry for what I did and I don't want to destaroy our relationship" additude, but with the way he alwas did, he ried to mixing apoligizing with being a hardass. Which equates to he doesnt really give a fuck, and just kows that he fucked up in front of everybody...again. So he tried to have a heart to heart talk with me about what  he did...again. but i wasn't girtitng myteeth through it this time like I id when I lived with him. I didnt  say anything back, but I stayed myself and more or less ignored what he had to say. It really really bothered him and I expected him to get pissed agian and it to turned itno another fight. But instead he walked on over to me and looked me in the eyes, he looked at me with somewhat solid, but not threatening gaze, and probably for the first time, I stared at him the way I wanted to...I didn't get the same kind of hard gaze he had...that solid but not threatening gaze that I had given him so many times...no this time  I stared him straight in the eyes  with such an angry look. the kind of look I'd have for someone I wanted to kill so damn badly. I could see the thought rights before my eyes, those fantsies of killing him running through my mind as i stared him in the eyes...and somehow a part me hoped he saw them too

After that he backed up and im not sure if he siad anything else but if he did it wa along the lines of if that's the way you want to be then fine, you'll regret it in the end" I know that becuase that's very strongly the vibe I got from him and that was the last I saw of him in my dream.

After that my mom and charles came over and me and my sister gathered our stuff together adn got into the car. and was on our way. We started to drive off and my mom asked me how things went. I told her that it wans't the way i wanted to have gone ad lef ti at that...she asked like she always did and i told her I wasn't gonna woof about it and it died here. then we had to stop becuase my sister with her extremly material self was making a bgi deal about some clothes she left at my aunt's hosue. So we headed back  Thankfully I didn't see my dad again but the last thing i remember before I woke up was that me and my sister Juliza were into an arguement ourselves. She was blabbing about my worn clothes and normally I let stupid petty little comments that are so irrelevant roll off me without replying, but I guess i was sitll in a bad mood becuse i didn't let it go and we were arugign..then I woke up.

I was in Colorado wandering through neighborhoods looking for Wakan. I saw many different houses and most of them were small like the onesback in Mareno Valley. After a long time I came across tis really big looking house and remember that Wakan told me Tavem had a lot of money so I went towards the house. The house wasn’t tall like a mansion but very wide. It had looked like someone took a casino and sat on it. After I walked through the yard and came up to the door there was a butler standing three. He pressed the doorbell for me. We waited and noone came for a while. Finally after about five minutes he told me that I could come in and pointed where to find Tavem. The hallways were really wide and the house looked exspensive. It kinda made me feel uncomfortable. I was surprised with how small Tavem’s room was because it was just as small as any other room I’ve every had. Wakan and Kovu were in the corner playing with legos and Tavem was on the other side of the room playing a video game. I didn’t say anything at first I just walked over and sat next to Kovu and picked up some legos. Wakan looked just as I had saw him before but Kovu was a lot shorter than I imagined and his voice was a lot softer too.

I didn’t stay in the room for very long because after a good 15 minutes the butler came to the room and told me someone was at the door for me. I stopped by the bathroom on my way out. Which another surprisingly small room for us a big house. I tried not to touch a lot of things in the bathroom because I thought his mom might get mad at me say that everything isn’t meant to be touched and its just a decoration. Then I laughed because I imagined a sign on the door that said do not enter ths room is just a decoration.

By the time I got to the dorr no one was there, still concerned about who it might have been I left the house and went looking around the corner. I saw my dad andhad Somolia and Davion. Told me that I need to watch them and that he was going back home. I took them back to Tavem’s house and ,et the butler handle them both.

When I got back to Tavem’s room no one was in there, so I started to wonder throughout the entire house looking for them. Eventually, I came across the backyard and saw a huge pool. It was shaped like a really long fountain with different levels shaped like stairs. Of course I jumped right in and we played in the pool for the rest of the time. Kovu and Wakan were tossing me around a lot but it was fun.