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Shadows Zenith

Swell there has been a major step in my life recently and I'm not entirely sure how to go about speaking it. One paw, I want to wrap it up in one sentence and just yell it as tactless as possible. on the other paw, it wouldn't do justice for the sentiment justice.

Well, it's been a little over a year since I came across my good friend Wind Song. It was during a time when I had put my nose to the ground in search of other wolves. These days I rarely go on such searches anymore. Wolves hard to come by...but every now and then I can't help the compelling tug to be near those that are much like me in spirit and love.I'm glad that at least in that time i followed those compulsions because it led to a renewed sense of kinship. Even if it was just one, it is one to be cherished. In the time between when I first met Wind we've grown to become quite good friends.

Though it had not stopped there.we've continued to grow closer and closer as friends until it being friends felt more like a stepping stone into something more. These feelings for something more have lingered in me a little bit. Though circumstance had placed commitment on pause despite reciprocation of those feelings. Yet, that changed a couple of days ago. Now we have decided together that we want to step forward...together and continue our lives together.

Wind song has been a consistent positive energy in my life over the apst year and now it radiates even stronger than ever. simply, i am a happy wolf.

Boom

...is apparently what my dryer did today. 

I had the displeasure of waking up to the acrid smell of smoldering fibers as our dryer had filled the entire apartment with smoke and caught on fire. It was quite intense. I remember how I could even make it out of my bed without gaging and by the time I opened my door I nearly vomited right then and there from the thickness of the acrid air. My eyes and throat were burning and i had to run to the bathroom just to give thema  quick flush before getting back into the hallway so i could rustle up my roomamtes. Thankfully the fire was contained to the inside of the dryer and everyone was okay and when we got out of the apartment we got the fire department over just to put out waht was smoldering in the dryer. It was pretty hot to the touch and ashen aorund the door so it wasn't in our ebst interest to open it ourselves. 

We've had a lot of cleaning to do after the fire fighters dragged the unit out of the apartment with thea mount of sot that covered almsot everything  and allt eh ashes that got int he carpet. I still have a nasty after taste fo smoke going right now

Hopefully the smells will go away over the next week or so and management will be cooperative going forward.

My Calling

 I've had some time to think about this for a while and I've been mulling over the different perspectives. For the most part I've ben pretty deadlocked on what to do.

Not too long ago one of my friends in Alaska made a proposition to me. More of back burner thought than an outright offer but a potential proposition nonetheless in having me up there. Quite an unexpected surprise that evoke a great deal of thinking on my part.  Most of the deadlock came in trying to weigh what I enjoy and desire against what's practical.  As far back as I can remember I have never been so stuck in the middle. One of those times to where accepting and rejecting have such equal points that it pushes you towards passiveness. Though even stalemate was telling.

The fact that I'm will to put so much thought into such an idea and am willing to even entertain such a big chance on a limited notice tells of how much it means to me to be in Alaska. Environmentally Alaska is a wonderful place to be. The cities are close to very beautiful mountains, rivers, and forests. Which makes camping and exploration that much more accessible. Even more the white winters and mild summers that are capped with extended long nights and days for them. Aside from that there is my calling. It doesn't need to be reiterated how much I love wolves and value life. Simply that when keeping those things in mind I would have no pride in myself if I went my entire life without making a  single serious push for a better life for wolves. Being out in Alaska would make it far more easier to have an impact. I've tried here and there to do things for wolves while living in Washington and Nevada. Without a significant wolf population most people are at least apathetic. It's not easy to talk to people about wolves when they never ehar about them on the radio or in the news or come across them for themselves or hear stories for the locals. That type of discussion tends to fall as irrelevant let alone any sort of actual debate or direct action to assist wolves. Not only does Alaska have a significant wolf population it has the largest wolf population in the country. Though I use that word large very loosely. because regardless of where they are very much an endangered species. Alaska also has a very isolated and much smaller population in it's largest cities than many other states which I feel really slows down the pace of the city life for many folks and will make it easier to get around. It might be a drop in the bucket as far as socializing goes but I think any little bit is helpful.  Also there are universities in those larger cities that offer degrees that are more inline with what I would want tos tudy as a result of Alaska's heavy connection to the surrounding wilds.  These reasons alone make me really want to be in Alaska.

The thing that has stopped me from doing it thus far is the practicality of getting there and actually establishing a stable living environment. Wheither it be because of money, job oppritunites, or other miscellaneous factors so far it's felt like a steep mountain to climb that offered more risk than the reward.  Still I've come a long way since my days in Las Vegas and I've learned a lot about myself and my capabilities and waht I can get out of life. Time keeps on slipping away too and now I'm nearly halfway through my 20s. Where most ambitious folk are graduated and making strides towards their dream job I'm still trying to plant my feet on the ground. I think I'm getting to the point to where I don't want to settle and want to put all other ambitions to the side and do waht I can to collect my resources so taht I can go to Alaska. I've got a general idea of how to get that done and it's by no means impossible. It's tougha dn requires a lot of work but if I really want it I can do it.
 




 

Furry Union

 I usually don't make this kind of promotional posts but some good folks I know are trying to do somethigns pecial and I thought they could use a little help, and plus I don't mind the thought of making disney host a gay marraige in promo style either *giggles* So here's a little forwarded message...


Hello furries and fur-iends! :3

Want to win free art? How about free t-shirts? How about tickets to an off the hook party?

Please help some fellow furries out by voting for us to win a dream wedding. There are tons of prizes available to those who vote for us and share this message with friends, so please vote and share this message with other furries who can vote for us as well.

As some of you may know Furkitfox and I are engaged to be married. He actually proposed to me at Disneyworld earlier this year during a trip with his family. Our speculation was that we weren't going to get married until a) it is legal in Washington and b) we can afford it (since there's no bride, there's nobody to pay for the wedding for us). I have always had a dream of getting married at Disneyworld in some fairy tale wedding, but that's always kinda looked like an impossible dream for the two of us. Cause we ain't exactly rich.

Well, Disney is going to make that specific dream a reality for one lucky couple. They've started a contest where the goal is to vote for your favorite couple to win the wedding. All we needed to do was submit a photo of us and tell a short story about why we should win. So far we're one of only a few gay couples who have entered, which is interesting, so I'm hoping to make some waves in the furry community and get a lot of votes.

So far the number one submission on there has around over 1000 votes. That's a lot, and it seems very unlikely that we'll ever get that many votes. But then I started thinking, well, the furry community is pretty frickin' big, what if we can get this thing circulated around somehow to all the furries we know and maybe have them share it as well? There's a chance we might actually win, and even if we don't it will still be fun! Also, it will give everyone a chance to win some prizes which is always fun.

Here are the prizes! They have been donated by some very awesome people in the furry community, so if you have a chance, please tell them thank you. They are really great people and friends.

Here are the prizes that you can win!

Two Admissions to the RainFurrest PreParty Donated by Tigon
https://www.rainfurrest.org/2011/

Fur The Record T-Shirt Donated by Tigon

Three Colored Sketches by LykanThrope
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/lykanthrope/

Custom Screen Printed T-Shirt from Kittylovesmonster.com
http://kittylovesmonster.com/

Two Digitally Colored Commissions from Ookaminobaka
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/ookaminobaka

So, here's what you can do to help, if you're inclined to do so (and we both really hope you will be).
1. Vote for us, of course! Instructions on how to vote are below. Remember, you can vote once every day!
2. Share this message with your friends. Please don't just forward at random, we don't want to SPAM people or piss anybody off, so only forward to people who you think will be interested in helping, or winning the art.
3. Post this on your own journals on FA, LJ, FB, Twitter, whatever, and make sure to mention the free art. =) Do whatever you can to spread the word.
4. Vote again, every day until the contest ends.

Here's how to win the prizes!
1. Post a comment on FA on this particular journal on letting us know that you voted. We'll trust that if you post, you really voted. =)
2. If you forward this email, post on the journal and let us know, you'll get entered a SECOND TIME for forwarding the email.
3. If you post on your journal let us know, you'll be entered an additional time for each journal you post it to. =)

How to vote!
1. Visit this link:  http://family.go.com/happily-ever-after-contest/stories-category/best-of-friends-70906/
2. Register for Disney.com if you aren't already registered (it takes like 2 minutes)
3. Click the button to vote. =)

Anyway, I hope this doesn't annoy anyone. I just think it would be really really awesome to have this wedding at Disneyworld and I know it would end up being the best moment of our lives together. Thank you in advance to anyone who helps us out, even if nothing comes of it, it will still mean a lot to us knowing that we have your support.

Love

The Adorable Occasionally Retarded Whimpering Wolf Jarrad Ryan Cravens

Again the link to vote is here!
http://family.go.com/happily-ever-after-contest/stories-category/best-of-friends-70906/

Solemn Sleeping

 This morning started on a rather solemn note. Last night  I stayed up rather late so I was pretty exhausted by the time I went to bed so I didn't think I needed to listening to music as I drifted off...that may have backfired.

I was dreaming of my dear beloved companion all night. I don't know exactly where we were. I just remember being in a house and eharing his voice off in the distance. It made me so happy to see his face again. I immediately dropped down to my knees and wrapped my arms around him and gave him a hug. 

Then as I let him go everything started to move so slow and sluggish. It felt like I was  underwater. I could hardly move my legs and arms as he bounced excitedly. I knew then this was a dream, he wasn't really with me. It hurt me bad and bite my lip and started crying. I missed him so much that I didn't care anymore. I wiped my face clean and cleared my throat and continued to play with him. We just messed around as we usually do. He'd bounce back and forth from side to side growling at me while I got down on my knees and slapped at his paws and he'd nip at me trying to catch my hands. Then he'd bite my arm and start shewing on me and I'd stick my other hand in his mouth and grab his fangs and he'd growl some more.He'd pull back and break away and we'd start all over getting louder and more violent every time until we both all riled up. It was fun for a while. After we were done fooling around things ended as they usually do.

Before I knew it a couple of hours had passed and I was laying on my bed curled up my plushie and really missing Avanti. I don't even know waht to take away from that dream. It hurt badly and when I woke up I cried again and I'm doing again just thinking about it while I write. It's putting a damper on the rest of my day, but it was sort of worth it to see Avanti again so real. Even if it was in a dream, even if I knew it was a lie while I was dreaming. It felt so much like him I think I'd do it again and just keep c live with the consequences.

Tags:

Turbo-Charged Week

 well the end of last week was a bit special for me. I finally got a chance to brush noses with a long time friend of mine, Turbo. It seems awkward gushing over it so much but it really was nice to have him around. It's such a nice feeling to have someone out there that you've invested enough time over the years that despite never having touched noses before you still have a lot of fun and transition seemingly once you finally get the autoimmunity. Just goes to show you what an honest and open friendship is like despite the medium whether it's virtual or otherwise.

Now who's next? :3

Pointless

 For quite sometime now I've spoken on and off with a good  friend of mine, Howler. We've had quite an itnerestingly relationship.I know everyone is unique in their own way, but I have enver met anyone that even comes close to him. The way he behaves and thinks is so very different from anyone else. At first, I thought he was nothing but a goof with the way he spoke so fantasmically it appeared he took nothing serious, but I learned that it couldn't be any further from the truth. The longer I've gotten to know him since that long time ago the more I'm realizing he's actually one of the most solemn and deepest person's I know. 

I'm reminded of how he's otld me so many times of how it's hard to hold motivation for anything. Life and everything seems so irrelevant to quote him; nothing is relevant. For the longest time I really didn't understand hat he meant. I thought I knew, but I didn't. I understand that he was unhappy, but that's about it. Through my eyes it seemed like he merely needed to find his strengths and get some goals to work towards. being one who is so close to owlves I could see how that is dificult. Being a wolf in a human world and findignw aht's right for you is never an easy task...and althought aht was true it is so much bigger than that.

In these coming weeks leading up to my surgury I've had plenty of time to think about my own life. Even had time to think about my own death...all these thoughts of mortality begs the question, "What does it all mean?" What would be different now if I did die now or if I died 100 Years later? As far as I can tell, nothing.  I could have this surgury, lose my eyes, and lsoe my will to lvie and die....I could  have a great surgury restore some vision, play out ther est of my life as a good person , make lots of friends and money, save a few wolves even and inspire others, then die. In the end it feels the same. One might argue that life goes on beyond me but does it really? Our species is down a path of destruction, what does it amtter waht good we do now if we ultimately make our enviornment uninhabitable? Then everything everyone ahs ever done in all of human history becomes all for naught. Even if that doesn't happen. Say I live a great long life, and sod oes evryone else, and our spcies becomes a long prospuroues one built on sound morales and respect for all living things. There are forces beyond us that would still destroy us. There is always the impending doom of solar radiation coming either from the thinning of the ozone layer, change in earth's polarity, global warming. And again everything becomes all for naught. Granted this is all way beyond my lifetime or anyone else's so it's hard to put it into perspective for a lot of people, but still ti begs a serious question? What does anything amtter if in the end we all vanish from time?  Is nothing eternal? If everything is so very temporary? Our lives, our species, our planet, other planets? progress? Than does it really matter wheither we live good lives or not?

It is in this way that morale it self starts to feels arbitrary. and senseless. It is also at this point where I can see why so many people feel so compelled to believe in a God, God brings somethign eternalt o existance, God makes sure that all is not lost, that there is meaning to everything...without God tthe alternative is madening and torturing for anyone who can precieve it. The only way to cope with it seems to be to not think about ti and ignore it. Though for some it's not so easy. For someone like me who has a high sense of justice, what do you base your ambitons on? how can you ever tell someone what theya re doing is good or bad, if it doesn't really matter in the end anyways? It's a hard pill to swallow and I don't have the answer. 

Even though I don't see one right now, I kinda hope there is a God at the end of the tunnel. Though the irony is if she did exist I'd damn near hate her for letting us live the wayw e do with no sign for hope. To think of allt he paina nd suffering and evil taht's existed int ehw orld all steming from the misinterpetation and different views of waht life is all about and to ahve her not evenlet us know she is there...seems malicous at best...I don't know if that makes me allt hat great of person. It's all so very confusing.

Apparently Howler has reached this plateu long ebfore I, and I sympathize apologetically for my ignorance. Now I understand.

Journey through the Flames

 Well to cut to the chase, I've finally got a date set for my surgury....February 17th.

It's a very scary ordeal. There is a very rel chance I could lose ther est of my sight. And there is no real way around it because if I dont' do the surgury in time I will lose my sight, no questions asked.  And then if I do the surgury at that point the risk of my losing my sight from alternate means is greater than it si now. So logically I don't have a choice but to do this now.

One might be tempted to rationalize that I'm almost completely blind as it is, so it's is it really that big of a deal? Surely it's sad and unfortunate, but is it really that big of a stretch to go from almost blind to blind? Won't I still manage?

Well there was a short period of time in my childhood where I did spend a month completely blind while I was healing between surguries on alternate eyes. And it is a HUGE difference between ahving some sight and no sight.

For starters, your independence pretty mucht akes a kick in the nads. One becomes even more reliant on others to help them do thigns from big to small. Your ability to help out other people is gone. Which really hurts someone like me who lives for his loved ones. Life gets incredibly monotnous with the cut in activies one can actually do socially which is a hard hit for a wolf who yerns to be wild and loathes being sedentary. 

Life ahs been..challenging enough as it is, though i've fight and tried to do waht I can to make it through out the obstacles, to add one more...challenge to it is scary and makes me wonder if not fear what will be left to get out of life in sucha  scenario. Sure I will survive there is no questiona bout that? But is taht all I will do is exist?...that's not much of a life, especially for a wolf.

And thus, for all intents and purposes, this feels like a matter of life and death, but I''m tryign to keep my ehad up and be strong.

Nocturne of Shadow

As I continue to travelt eh vast territoryt aht is the universe  with hopes that I will not make this journey in eternal solitude I've come across a glimmer of hope. As it stands now it is just that a glimmer,but it's enough to keep my ears perked. As I get to know more and more about my good friend Wind Song there is more and more that I like about him. He has his own reservations at the moment most of which come in the form of wanting tog ather more experience, though that is understandable and overcomeable.

For starters, he's intellegent, humble, and has an elivated sense of responsibility. All of which are always  strong points for me. I find myself warming up to people who are more than just knowledgable within their own special realms of interest but people who look beyond themselves in the world and understand that they are are but a small aprt of something bigger and share the responsibility of making that whole piece better. I can these things in him and theyd raw me in. In a more refined trait Wind Song shares my passion for life and nature. He respects the natural world and does not put himself above it. He has respect for his own life and all the variant forms that exist beyond him. Whiether they be human or not, wheither they be animal or not. And of course he shares my love of wolves. Probably more impressively is that he doesn't just peak of loving theese things but he actually shows it with action and is always open to new methods of standing up for the things he charishes.

With these things in consideration along with many others on a list too long to be bothered with it comes with no surprise that I've invited him to run the gauntlet of life at my side. However that is an invitation that has been left on the table. In the meantime I have hopes that he will pick it up again in the near future and accept it and willc ontinue to stay as a good loyal friend.

(it should also be ntoed that these mood icons suck)

Dog Troubles

 Well as of late I've been thinking a lot about the possibility of having another companion and quite frankly it's been mildly stressful. I'm just really unsure of what's the best thing to do. So many different factors to consider.

On one paw, I feel like I really need someone else in my life. I mean bipedal friends are cool and all but they aren't the same as having a canine companion and there are just some things that they can do for me and spirit than no human can no matter how cool they are. Let alone the fact that peope whould fall into that category are far and few between :3

It would help me on spiritual level to have someone else to take care of, to pass affection backa nd forth, and someone i can depend on and just do things with and not worrya bout fi they don't like it if there will be any fallout or repricutions. With a companion things are very simple, If I do something she doesn't like she tells me we learn and move on. There is no anticipation of pondering how it might effect us or if thigns will be awkward or any of that stuff that alters perceptions when mistakes are made. A life with a companion is a very forgiving one in that sense and that kind of dependability helps give this dog a bit of peace at mind. 

On the other paw there are a lot of other factors which influence riasing such a companion. It's true that one huge thing that would help me out is to be quite frank, I'd have someone to keep me busy. This sounds kinda silly at first but with out past companion, even more so than usual, I've jsut be outright obscenely bored 24/7.

I don't know wheither that's because I've been hurting a lot on the inside and I'm just losing a lot of interest in a lot of things I do with that emptiness there, or if ti's litterally more simple that taking care of my packmates is one of the few things I actuallye njoy doign and without there it jsut ebcomes more apparent how little I have true itnerest in lots of other stuff. Or maybe a little of both. With that said I'll be turning 24 in April and I'll finally be old enough to start applying for financial aid for school again. Which means if things go smoothly I could be back in school as early as Spring 2012.  So one of the questions soon ebcomes will I still havethe time and energy necessary to treat my companion really well once I enevitably get back into school?

I mean sure, I took care of my past companion while I was in high school, up throughg raduation, and while I was in college too.  However, things didn't go as smoothly as I wished. My last companion was a happy dog but he could have been so much more satisfied if things were different.  Just from the different lifestyles between humans and canines there is a discrpency in how attention you will give to her on a given day, even if you love her with all your heart and you're a superb caretaker. So you take that and minus the attention provided from having to be in school, traveling since I can't drive anywhere traveling is always  signifcant amount of time, and then having to study all the time, and take care of myself. There isn't a whole lot of time elft exclusively for the canine. It can be done if catered carefully, but if it's only me putting in the effort (i.e. the dog has no one else to get her regular attention from), than I think it's a situations he'd be ebtter off not ahving if it werne't encessary.

So what that ends up meaning is that whom ever I'm living with, in order for my companion to get the kind of attention level I think is fair for her, would need to pitch in as well. This means they would really need to enjoy her presence so that they will be compelled to think of her and play with her and have fun and whatnot. As opposed to merely tolerating her existance and making sure she stays alive. I'd be her alpha there is no doubting that. I wouldn't need anyone to put in more than I put in, but I'd be just that her....Alpha...not her world. Just as I need more than her, she needs more than me...routinely

There is change in the air as well. My household is imminately splitting up. It won't be for sometime, but ti's going to happen. Which direction I'll be taking is still uncertain. It's a moderate possibility that I could end up staying with Fuzzy and his mate since Fuzzy seems to enjoy having me around so much. Which in and of itself is awesome because Fuzzy is a really good hearted person with good qualities that make him a great hunting partner.Though it's nothing concrete so it may or may not happen. One of thing biggest factors, at least from my point of view, is this topic. I'm not honestly all that confident  if the way I would raise a companion would be something he'd be onboard with. Granted we haven't talked a lot about  subject yet, but ti si something that's on my mind a lot, ebcause like I jsut got throught alkinga bout. It is of most important that my companion becomes something we'd all love. So the natural extension of that principle is that we have to see eye-to-eye on how she'd be taken care of.  Most people aren't into very 'doggie' dogs...so ti's something we will ahve to talk about in great detail over the coming months and see how I feela bout it.

I guess you can argue that I put a love into my reltionships with canines and I will do a lot better off for her than most other people will just because of that right there, and livign with me will certain be a hell of a lot bettter than livingw iths omeone who is only in it for certaint hings, or doesn't really enjoy her the way I would. Or even more so better than ebings tuck in a shelter or worse...my home reguardless of the situation would be ebtter than those things....but just because the dog coudl be worse off does that make it enoughf or em to take her...she could also be better off too if smeone else in a better situationt ook her isntead of me.

So in the end the main questions I have to answer are, Is it really vital that i get another companion in the immediate future? Can I handle taking care of her while in school as well? Do I have the financial resources to provide her with ample care? If I do need another companion right away, of qhat priority should I press it...does it need to be the deciding facot if it comes down to it that dicates where I go? If I decide that it's best for me to go elsewhere because of my dog needs, can I truely expect to find someone that can comply the way I'd wnat them to? Or given my prior history with roommates would it be best to do my ebst to stick with my current friend and ride it out even if we can't come to terms on how I'd want to take care of a dog and just wait until after school or until I'm more or less on my own to have another companion?

So many questions...so few answers....

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Sumanitu Taka Nagi
Solemn Forest

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